Our dictator is a champion

A few years ago, Emomali Sharifovich did not dream of being a champion; he was overshadowed by Nazarbayev and Karimov. They were nomenklatura monsters, high-ranking officials during the Soviet era, and thus they received their deserved places as dictators, in accordance with the tenets of Marxism-Leninism.

Photo: Internet

Emomali Sharifovich came to power as a nobody, in a gray Soviet suit, with greasy, perpetually dirty hair, as the illiterate head of the poorest state farm in Tajikistan.

The rise of a dictator is a complex process; if it is a process, it is a constant struggle against rivals. For Emomali Sharifovich, it was simpler and smoother, thanks to Colonel GRU Kvachkov, who set his sights on “Emomali” and said, “This kid will be ours.” Then he set his sights on Sangak Safarov and said, “This fool will help Emomali” (the author’s spelling of Kvachkov is preserved).

Russia was frightened by the prospect of a democratic Tajikistan that would expel the 201st division and, worst of all, would not allow Russian generals to engage in drug trafficking. Kvachkov decided that “Emomali” would do everything that Russia wanted.

And so it happened. Emomali Sharifovich began to wear expensive suits, placed all his relatives from Dangara in comfortable positions, distributed jobs and businesses. What else does a well-fed idler do? Right – he wants songs and dances, and for children to march before him, while poems are composed and songs are sung in his honor. As they say, a person can leave Dangara, but Dangara never leaves him.

Now that same “Emomali” is the champion of the CIS. Another collective farmer, Lukashenko, is the junior dictator, while Putin is in third place. Now Emomali Sharifovich can let his gray beard grow, wear a golden turban, and change the Constitution once again so that he is called “The Most Important Dictator of the Former USSR.”

Sorry, I forgot that he banned beards…

Now Emomali Sharifovich is a champion, an unparalleled leader, a true communist. “Founder of Peace and National Unity — Leader of the Nation,” “Your Majesty,” “Your Excellency,” “Leader of the Nation,” “Our Savior.” Before him, no Dangara collective farmer could call himself that, only by the choice of Colonel Kvachkov.

All these royal titles are intended for the local population; neither Putin nor Lukashenko would ever use such grandiose titles to refer to a bloated, self-deceiving, and self-absorbed man. To the rest of the world, he is nothing.

Oleg Panfilov